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It's really nice outside - a bit humid - but really nice. I was at the nearby park and saw there a group of elderly men getting all geared up for a bit of a run. I didn't watch as I had things to do. But it was rather nice to see. These days, elderly people have no real wish to exert themselves, let alone go to the park and run! I used to run, actually. I actually called me a runner. LOL. I first tried to do the mile in my 'hood, then, I got into this group of runners at work who put together a team of us to run a 13 miler. In the Wabash river shores. Now, it was about the last of winter when we had our run. I was warned by my coach (well, she coached our group) to avoid sandy areas as running on sand can cripple a person. Or break a shin or ankle or whatever. And, so I encountered tons of sandy spots as I ran (or rather walked quickly) over the terrain. It was rather an adventure, as the people who were running outran me, all of the lot of them. So, I tried to be brave and just plunged on. I looked for those tell tale signs where to go (it was a forest, you know) and then I got to the part where I had calculated that I ought to have run enough and then, voila, I was still a few miles into the last gate. I guess I did the calculations wrong, so, when I got out to where the others were cheering me on, I was about 2 hours late. Imagine. I think with all of the bugs, the stings, the whole experience of being "lost' in the wilderness, and then later inspecting that my socks (new ones) had gotten so black with sand, and then my one toe had got a black nail, I said "ENOUGH" and decided NO MORE RUNNING. I can't be blamed, can I? Really. I mean, training the 13 miler was hellish (well, boring really) and it was making me yearn for my family. I wish to say, I wanted to be with my family more than be with my self as I ran long runs. I only made up to 5 or 6 hours of running straight and then decided enough too. I am not a quitter, but, I am pragmatic in this venture. One must always calculate the pros and cons of doing something for yourself. Running can be enjoyable if you do it with someone but if you were alone with your own thoughts and then also if you were having. music (that's a no-no) it would pall. Really pall. So, if everyone agrees that one must be ready to tackle anything like a long run, then you need to schedule it in and then accept the consequences. I will stop now as it's time to get to my afternoon projects. Hope everyone is doing well. I don't wish to offend runners but I do have my strong opinions. You all need to walk the mile with another to appreciate what they're going through as the saying goes :-)
I'm on the Twitterverse again. It didn't take long to change my mind. I suppose it's due to the times. Kanye West went off Twitter and then he's back. Not that I equal Kanye in fame or wealth, but, if he can go back to Twitter and be man enough to do so, then I'm 'man' enough to go back. I'm not a man nor am I of the persuasion that goes against men. I love the male/female conflict and the male/female collision (sex). There, so now you know, LOL. I think some people are of the idea that because I happen to be a lone 'ranger' in my status, that I am gay. Well, I'm not. I have a great love affair and I am glad to be in it. I hope one day everyone who seeks and yearns for that one person to fulfill them in every way will have him or her. I hope that this world will make more babies and more citizens that will set this cockeyed world straight and be happy and be productive and be in sync with God's law. I am not afraid to make this statement because I know that God is behind me.
I am up with the singing birds this morning. I thought of you first today - my first waking thought. I am happy that it was You I had in my mind. I wish you and I had really made something of the budding love we had back in 85-86. I don't know how lasting a one-year infatuation might be but since I wrote The Loveable Resident, I became more infatuated with you. Mike Oates was modeled after you but after the outer description Mike Oates was someone else entirely. But I felt as though you were near and that I could imagine us being lovers again.
I am sure that you are happy where you are and I will try not to bother you so much. I think my depression has come back and I have to fight it or else it will make my life miserable.
It's been a bit like that - dark, gloomy, somewhat hopeless - since we last said our words to each other. I feel as though even if life were seemingly hopeless, that God was there somewhere, working away and keeping me out of trouble. He is my Angel and he is my Savior. I wish You would call on Him, if you don't already.
I've asked you frequently to return to me. Maybe this is a futile wish. I've prayed for you to return to me. I did that for years after we last saw each other. Then one day I saw something about you online. Then I realized it was not to be. If you really did care you did not show it by doing anything to disabuse me of this infatuation. Or the fact that you are a mere delusion.
Artists and writers create worlds in their minds. It is what feeds their soul. It makes them what they are, and attracts their following. Many people are stuck in their own world that God put them in. That's why they read or appreciate art or music. It takes them away from their momentary or temporal world. And lifts them up to where they want to be - to be with special characters or memorable scenes or scenes where they identify with the hero or heroine. Makes them get all straightened up and acquire a spine. To deal a mortal blow to a mad enemy or the worst possible monster.
What I am saying is, that maybe You were always the ideal for me and then well, now you still are. Years after I've stopped praying, I pray now, not too frequently, but when I feel as though you were falling farther away from my mind's grasp.
I always thought that love and sex were a function of the mind and not the heart. I can still feel how you were when you were loving me in my mind. All of that was a mind thing, wasn't it? It was to see whether making neurons go at each other and touching these nerves and cells would recreate the orgasmic life that a woman like me would want and crave. That is why I never wanted anyone else but You. You were the epitome of what I wanted in a lover. I was a ruined woman, after you left and after all the activity in my mind died down with the aid of medicines and psychotropic drugs. Gone was all of the ideas that seemed so real. Gone was the idea that You were going to return. I looked for you in all the men that I happened to come across in my life. You weren't there. Your email is also something that I dreamt up, and now I don't know if there ever will be anyone there to read this.
I am writer. I am writing this to a man I loved years ago. Here are my thoughts about him and me. If you come across this email by mistake, let it be trashed. It is a work that I am doing for a project. I will no longer email this inbox. If this was sent to someone other than the recipient that was intended then please delete.
I few people have asked me what I thought would be an ideal hero. An ideal man. I have to say that Mike Oates – without his criminal act – would be the ideal man so to speak. I mean, he had it all, didn’t he? He was handsome but not that handsome, well-mannered, polite, interested in what you had to say, attentive, courteous, well-dressed even though perhaps he might be too attached to a certain kind of dress (khakis or oxford cloth shirts). He was someone who had a good career (doctor, lawyer, someone who cared for people). He was successful in that he never did anything wrong or unethical. He drove a car that had a personality and this is something I know is a materialistic ideal but that is something that speaks about the man himself. He wore shoes that weren’t stupid looking – not those that were pointy or glossy or even those with the little holes on top or had no fringe. He wasn’t into the fashion thing but kept himself in a fashion that showed he wanted people to think of him in a way that didn’t detract from his own abilities. A doctor who wore simple but good quality clothes. There, I’ve given some materialistic attributes to an ideal man. But these are the ones that would attract Lauren Moore to him.
In other attributes, I’ve said this ideal man has qualities of God in him. Someone who thought clearly, did not swear or make others feel less than what they were, someone who found good in everyone he met. He was someone who tolerated people who were possibly misbehaving, or, did things to annoy him. He didn’t get easily upset and was used to stress or even a possible problem of seriousness in what was happening. He could be calm in the midst of a storm, which a doctor would have to be. He wouldn’t panic or find it hard to keep his composure if someone may be having a hissy fit in front of him.
He would love his woman with all his might and all his soul. He is faithful, loyal and good to his woman. His woman would be the only one that would hold his attention, even if there were other women who were more attractive in the room. He would be a good father to his children and give them a model for fatherhood and for what a man should be. His behavior at home would be of someone who was easy to approach, and not be moody. He would be able to handle any and all crises and if he needed help, he would admit that too.
A man that is ideal then, would have to be like a god, and a god that is not prone to being like those Greek gods who would give their favors willy nilly. So, if anyone knows a man like that, let me know. I am sure that I would like to meet him someday and hope that he thinks I’m the woman for him.
He comes into view
wearing mufti not to attract
his eyes are everywhere
yet he lowers his face to light a cigarette
Before leaving the scene
and a trace of an ash on the pavement
It is merely a mirage
He is sent
but for what purpose
He is sent
To watch and note
Only to disappear
Only to return
Under a different guise
It’s only a job
It’s only my glasses
No, it’s my life
No, it’s my work
Yes, so what
Loss is gain
Gain in perspective
The big picture
The next chance
Let’s find something else
Let’s find another love
That will take time
On the depth of the loss
On the marks on your heart
On the etchmarks in your memory
I shall start working on a book of poems. I also think that if there is time in my schedule, that a little book for the small children to read before going to sleep could be made. I shall title it after one of my pets but that is all that I can say at this time.
The book of poems started already, actually. I've been somewhat of a poet. I apparently have an aptitude for it, according to a 'real' poetess whom I listened to at a lecture. She gave us a few exercises and showed us the different formats of poems. I really felt glad when she beamed at me after I read out my poem and said that it was pretty good. I think that poem was something that was patterned after Shakespeare's poems, so that also made me feel good.
I think it will take me a little while to finish the book of poetry. If anyone wishes to submit a title for the book I will give the winning entry a free signed copy. This is open to anyone in the world, so don't fear - I'll send it to YOU.
I hope today will be a nice day. I believe it will be good but the showers have been coming off and on.
Enjoy your day and I hope one day to meet those who visit my blog. I appreciate it very much!
It is the hour between waking and sleeping
I am dreaming
A part of a scene – someone with familiar features
A part of my past
Is it You?
Where did the dream go?
I wake up too soon – I don’t know how it ended
In this waking
Would the ending soon come to pass?
With my dog hanging on my knee I am writing this blog post. My dog is eager to have my attention all the time, but sometimes I must do work, eat or have other things that are pressing.
Well, I didn't want to talk about my dog, although He is a dear. Today I feel a bit happier. I started out with downloading some tunes from iTunes, and now am listening to my playlists. It's good to have music and I am grateful to God for music. I mean, the music that uplifts, makes you want to boogie, and even jump up and down or sometimes makes you want to have a love that will come someday.
I hope that someday love will come to all who are yearning. As long as there's Life there's Hope, that's what I say.
To those who are reading this, I wish for You a good June. I think that June is a nice word. Not sure why. June for - what - Juno? Or maybe it's just a nice sound. I like other months too - April for my Mom's birthday, September for my birthday, and December for Christmas. January seems too chilly yet appealing - I like it actually because it has that benignity that says all is well and it's a new year. Then well, there's March where everything is awhirl. August is good because it indicates the 'augustness' of God, how He is Supreme and Almighty. And, it has a special date the 15th which is the Feast day of the Virgin Mary. I think February is ok, somehow it falls short of the required number of days, even on Leap Year. Ah, but there is the 14th of February which is good for those who are lovers and/or couples. I try to evade or elude going out to dinner on the 14th being inundate with couples hand in hand waiting for a table to occupy. I don't like waiting, LOL. And then did I forget May? May flowers, yes. Showers, yes. I think May is a good month and I think I can't deny that Spring is in the air and will be here for a fleeting moment, jarred by thundershowers and hot humid days. October is alas, somewhat a sad month due to a song I remember about the month. I think October as the month when the Supreme Court convenes and the gowned Justices collect into a chamber or something making edicts or judgments. I think October might be the time where you have Halloween (a not favorite festival). November would have been ok, but I recall a few Adonises and pigs whose birthdays fall in that month.
There I've managed to hack through the year. Are you happy yet?
Never fear. Be lucky and fortunate that you have lived this far, LOL. I always congratulate the people I know on Twitter when they've made it past the end of the year and into the New Year. Once I made a survey of the obituaries in my local paper (I am so morbid, aren't I?) and noticed a ton of people dying in January which made me wonder why that was. I believe that somewhere in the middle of the atmosphere, people are lining up in droves to go to get to Heaven or be denied. I am sure June will be a good month. Let's hope that not too many obituaries are going to be published this month. God help us all!